Yesterday, Mum attended the annual meeting of the organisation my father was involved with. During the event, they played the video tribute from his memorial service and presented Mum with the flowers shown below. I think she’s relieved that the events and obligations connected to Dad are finally coming to a close.
Lately, I’ve been watching YouTube videos about different schools of psychology. I started with Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs, focusing particularly on self-actualisation. Then I watched a few videos on Carl Rogers and learned a bit about congruence. Now I’ve taken an interest in Carl Jung, especially his concept of the Shadow.
In Jungian psychology, the shadow refers to the unconscious part of the personality that contains repressed weaknesses, desires, instincts, and shortcomings. It's essentially the "dark side" of one's personality—the aspects that individuals may deny, reject, or be unaware of in themselves.
Although this explanation highlights the negative aspects, the shadow can also contain positive traits like creativity, confidence, assertiveness, and sexuality. But these elements are often buried deep in the unconscious.
In my last post, I explored some of the darker aspects of my past romantic interactions with men. Reflecting on it now, I realise that a repressed side of me—romantically and sexually—wanted so much more than I ever experienced. I yearned for love, to feel loved, and to explore things physically, but everything I’ve ever done has been very basic.
I’ve never been with a real man—someone willing to care for me, love me, be vulnerable, and explore feelings and ideas with me. I’ve never felt comfortable with a man sexually, and although I’ve said I don’t want a relationship now, I know I have desires I’ve pushed down for a long time.
If you’ve been following this blog, you might remember a post titled “The Ugly Truth,” where I recounted times when people made me feel unattractive. I’ve just remembered another moment from my teens when I was excluded because someone didn’t find me physically appealing.
I was with two friends—both gorgeous—and we were probably in Year 10 or 11. We went into town and somehow ended up at a backpackers’ hostel. We met three very attractive British backpackers, and my two friends went into a bedroom with two of them. The third one, who was absolutely gorgeous, wanted nothing to do with me and told my friends to pass the message along.
It was embarrassing, especially because my friends kept saying things like, “I feel so bad,” and “I’m so sorry.” I did feel humiliated, but as they went into the bedroom with those British backpackers, I sat out the front at reception by myself.
Thinking back, those guys were only interested in my friends for their looks and their willingness to have sex. I wouldn’t have done that anyway, but it still hurt my feelings at the time. Looking back now, I’m glad I didn’t sleep with complete strangers the first night I met them. But when it comes to the Shadow, I’m unsure how to work on something like that. I still carry feelings of shame, embarrassment, and inadequacy from that night, and I know those feelings live in my subconscious.
But then what? If it’s unresolved, how do I resolve it now? How do I let go of all of it? I know you’re supposed to acknowledge it, name it, and integrate it into who you are now.
One thing I feel strongly about is that all women are beautiful. The very idea of being a woman is beautiful—in all shapes, sizes, colours, and forms. I used to do life drawing, and the models, mostly female but some male, came in all different packages. And I thought all of them were beautiful. Even though people made me feel incredibly ugly, I now see beauty in everyone. That’s something positive that came out of those experiences.
