Consumed With Fear

I've been seeing a lot of my friend Andrew and, consequently, his partner Mia. I really love them both. In some ways, I have a lot in common with them. I've been going over to their house, and we've all been chatting, and then Andrew and I end up watching a movie or a TV series, as we did on Tuesday night.

The other night, Andrew and I were talking about how horribly animals are treated in a slaughterhouse, and then I reminded him about how he once said to me that he would prefer that someone go out into the bush, kill the animal themselves, and then eat it.

I am a vegetarian, and I am very interested in animal rights and the relationship humans have with animals, but I'm not sure I completely disagree with killing them. I am not 100% sure. I've said in the past that we taunt and antagonise them, making their lives uncomfortable, difficult, painful, and sometimes full of fear. But when Andrew said that about someone simply killing the animal and then taking it as food, that is something I agree with.

I agree with it if humans were supposed to eat animals in the first place, because you can't kill them without the use of tools, and who knows whether that was supposed to happen? However, it did happen, and we do eat them, so I can safely say I think that is a much better alternative—if the person kills the animal quickly with the least amount of pain possible.

But then we took this conversation one step further. Andrew's parents have a property out of town, and they have a handful of sheep. Andrew told me that his parents don't send the sheep to the slaughterhouse because of how cruel they are—Andrew kills them with a knife.

Andrew is quite manly, but he is also a very, very nice and gentle person, and I was shocked to hear that he killed sheep with a knife. I thought about how it would be pretty hard to kill it in one go, so I asked him if they made any noise while he was killing them, and he said, "Are you sure you want to know that?" and I said, "No."

I didn’t want this to place a lens of judgment on Andrew, but it did. I looked at him so differently. How could he, or anyone, do that? When I imagine someone going into the bush and killing an animal and then eating it themselves, I imagined they would use a gun or something to instigate instant death.

But to be hit with the reality of Andrew doing this made me think about things like:

• How he could stomach it.
• How he could look the sheep in the eye while he was in the process of killing it.
• Does he feel bad if they make noise?
• What kind of person does this?

I left his house that night re-evaluating our friendship.

I talked to Mum about it and told her I thought it was weird that he could do that, and she agreed—it was weird. It’s also so brutal. I thought about this a lot. I talked to a few people about it, but I came to the conclusion that people are not always good or bad—you can be both.

It gave me a bit of a chill down my spine when I thought about how, a few weeks ago, I asked him if he'd ever killed anyone while we were at a lecture, and he said, "I'm not telling you that." But I know he is a gentle soul.

I imagine farming families do all sorts of grotesque and cruel things. I decided to focus on all the things I love about him and our friendship.

I am actually a big, fat hypocrite when I talk about Andrew killing sheep in such a cold-blooded manner.

The other night, I was in my lounge room watching television when a huge huntsman scuttled across the wall behind the TV. I instantly got up, got Mum, and asked her to take care of it.

I am terrified of spiders, and Mum said that she would have to kill it, and I said that was fine. I regret that so much, but in the moment, the adrenaline was pumping, and I was consumed with fear.

She went and got Raid or something like that and sprayed it until it died. It didn’t die a nice death—its legs were moving about until the very end, and it wasn’t until it was inanimate that the fear subsided, only to be overwhelmed by guilt.

I am not a vegan, but I often think like a vegan, and a vegan would never have asked someone to do that. Never.

I read a story once about a vegan who refused to kill the head lice in her child’s hair, and I understand that line of thinking. Mum said she wouldn’t have taken it out into the garden, and unfortunately, I couldn’t do that either, so the only option was to kill it. And whilst I will always fight for animal rights, I am afraid I draw the line at spiders.

I quit the society where I am the Communications Officer. I told them I would keep doing the role until they find someone else.

I decided to quit because I’m not passionate about it anymore. I am going to remain a member and keep going to meetings, but I don’t want to be on the council. There is a part of me that regretted quitting because I was in my fourth year, and it's good to have longevity, but ultimately, I knew it was time.

I am going to put all of my volunteer energy into the human rights organisation I started volunteering for last year.

Another thing I have decided to step away from for a while is study. I was enrolled in a Bachelor of Contemporary Art this year, and I was all set to go, but I think I've just had one of those moments where everything becomes crystal clear.

All I want from life is to write and travel. Write to make money, then see the world. There are so many things a person can write, and you don’t need a degree to do that, so I decided to give myself a year, maybe two, without trying to study. I am going to give myself a real shot at becoming a writer, and the primary thing I do in life is going to be reading and writing. If someone asks me what I do for a living, I’m going to say, "I am a writer in progress."

It’s all I want, and I am going to put all my eggs in one basket. I will pursue other interests, but most of my time and energy will go into the written word. I do want a degree, though, so I have made it my goal to get one before I turn 50. It will probably be Contemporary Art, and I filled out a form tonight asking them to hold my space until next year. Fingers crossed.

It’s interesting that I’ve just placed a moratorium on my study. I've mentioned before that I have stayed in touch with my friend Peter, who worked at the hotel in Cambodia. He’s talked to me a lot about his life, and he seems to have a complex about the fact that he hasn’t done any higher education.

He has recently been promoted to assistant manager, and he talks about how he thinks his colleagues are judging him because he hasn’t got the right level of education. Then, just the other day, he was talking about his life, and he said something to me along the lines of "I can't be like you."

I asked him what he meant by that, and he mentioned a couple of things, but then he said, "You have a good education." I did not correct him. I have never discussed my education with him, so I’m not sure what makes him assume that. I could have said that I didn’t have a degree either and that my education was severely disrupted, but I didn’t.

Maybe that was pride, but most likely, it was the language barrier, where it would have been difficult to explain myself. He seems to really be struggling with his new role, and I think his thoughts about his own education and ability have a lot to do with it. I have given him encouragement and talked to him about it, but I don’t know him well enough to go too deep into it.

As far as what’s to come now, I feel re-energised about what I want, and I think the best way to be a writer is to write—every day, as much as possible. Second to that is reading, so I have set up another blog for me to write about the books I read.

I also just joined the gym, so I am going to get a personal trainer to set up a program for me to gradually increase my fitness and drop all the weight.

In previous posts, I've mentioned how I wrote to our Chief Justice and asked some questions about the oath he took when he became Chief Justice, the oaths used in his courtroom, and whether he had sworn in any other officials. I was deeply disappointed with the response I received, which was extremely short and dismissive. I had just written to every Chief Justice in every country in the world, and while they didn't all respond, I got better responses from international Chief Justices than I did from my own. If I'm to be honest, that really annoyed me, and it put me in a bad mood for a couple of days.

It was my intention to use all these oaths for a piece of artwork, but after again reviewing copyright laws, it would seem that that is not a possibility. So I have decided to gather all my international oaths and affirmations and send them to my Chief Justice. It is going to be a piece of the type of artwork I have always wanted to make. 

Mum says the exercise looks a little bit like I'm trying to say 'up yours' to the Chief Justice, but it's not that at all. I am passionate about the oaths used in courtrooms and the oaths that judges take when they are sworn into office.

Whilst I was disappointed with his response to my letter, I really like our Chief Justice. He has done so many things that align with my own belief system, and by creating this book for him, I feel like I’m expressing something deeply personal. It’s also a way for me to finally let go of my own judge issues and move forward with my life.