It's been just over two weeks since I last wrote, and it's now 2:13am on Tuesday 15 September. I am pleased to report that I made it through training.
I really feel like the five days I spent at the hotel in town was the best investment I could have made in myself. It was a good feeling to wake up in the morning after what was limited sleep and feel like I only had a five-minute walk to get to the office. I never felt overly tired or drowsy, apart from when we sat in the classroom for extended periods of time, but even then it wasn't like the hellish experience I had at the Lifeblood call centre in May.
If I had to put a number on it, I would say I slept for around five hours a night. I think one thing that helped was that I feel so safe in hotels. I always have. The fact that there is always someone awake at reception and that the rooms are secure leaves me feeling free to let myself go to sleep without any worries. At home, I usually leave a light on close by, but at the hotel I went to sleep in pitch blackness, and I think that really helped in putting me to sleep.
The call centre operates 24/7, and staff start at staggered times. The staff who are employees of the company work on a fixed roster, but the agency staff like me have a lot more flexibility, and we can nominate the shifts we would like to work. In saying that, as I was employed to work night shift, I know there is some expectation that I stick to that, at least for a while.
My training group started off with four women, but one woman's dog got sick, so she had to postpone the rest of her training and start again with the next group. That left just three of us. One of the other women was doing nights with me, while the other was doing afternoon shift.
I mentioned before that there was a woman who I thought was around five years older than me. It turns out she is 48, so it's almost three. I told her I was 45, and she told me it is all downhill from here. She also told me that she is going through menopause and how awful it is. For a split second, this got me down a bit, but to be honest, I was so excited that I was managing to get through the training despite my sleep issues that I found I was in good spirits in general.
By the end of the week, we had sat with operators as they took calls, and then on the Friday we were prompted to take a few calls ourselves. I was so nervous. I was literally shaking, and the man who was listening to me was so nice and said that most people feel the same way before they take their first calls.
I took two calls on the Friday, and then I spent the rest of the afternoon over explaining why I got so nervous, but the other two girls were the same.
After the 8:00am–4:00pm week, Monday through Friday, I was rostered on to nights starting last Tuesday. My hours are 8:00pm–4:00am. I am usually up during these hours almost every night, but because I had just had a week of daytime activity, there was a level of irony in the fact that I all of a sudden felt tired at night time.
I got to my shifts okay, though. I worked last Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, which was yesterday. Up until Sunday, I sat with other operators and took calls while they listened to me. The nerves that I felt on the last Friday of training subsided significantly, and I started to feel more comfortable taking calls.
Then yesterday I had my assessment, which I passed, and now I am on my own. I do feel nervous being on my own, but I also feel confident because it's the sort of job where there is no room for nerves. You have to be switched on, focused and sure of what you are doing. So I am doing exactly that.
One of the benefits of this job is car parking. There is a certain allocation of car parks for the company each day, and because I am working at night, I haven't had any trouble booking a car park every night. The car parks are free, and it really takes away all the stress of having to park in the city and then walk back to my car at 4:00am in the morning.
I just found out tonight that my police check came back and was sent straight to the company. I have not seen or heard about the results. I submitted my request for it on 18 August, and it came back on 9 September, which makes it three weeks and one day. That is a significant wait.
Having just found out that the company has it has made me feel a little bit anxious. They've had it for six days now, and I haven't heard anything about it, so I guess no news is good news. But one thing I noticed is that they have my access card with my photo on it, but they haven't given it to me yet.
My colleague who works nights has her access card, and I'm wondering if they have the results of my police check, have seen the spent conviction and are now assessing whether I am suitable to work there. But then I think that if that was the case, they probably wouldn't have gone to the trouble of putting me through the assessment yet. And surely I would have heard something if there was an issue with it.
Tonight is my night off, and I am working tomorrow, which is Wednesday, through to Saturday, so I am sure I will hear about it if there is a problem.
I am actually really enjoying the job, and being in the building in the middle of the night is just the best feeling. It's a huge office building, and the company is spread over two floors. There are beautiful views of the city, and at night it looks spectacular with all the lights. You can also hear all the noise below, and I love being in the heart of it all.
During my breaks and at lunch, I go and sit on this lounge chair and just look out of the big floor-to-ceiling windows. It makes me want to have an apartment in the heart of the CBD with those sorts of views. It feels alive, and it feels like there are people around, even when there would be no more than fifteen people in our call centre.
I keep thinking, where was this job five years ago? I've spent my nights reading, writing and watching TV when I could have been doing something like this. It would have made me feel like I really was part of something and not completely disconnected from the world, like I have sometimes felt.
But starting this job now is like I met the right man at literally the wrong time.
What I mean by that is I absolutely cannot continue working five nights a week. I've only done one week, and I've already seen how disruptive it has been to Mum. I leave home at around seven and quickly put something on the television for Mum, but then she's alone all night, and she wakes up at 4:30am when I arrive home. Yesterday morning, she told me she couldn't sleep until she knew I was home safe. Then she said how good it is to have me home when I am home.
It's not the sort of situation where I can find a resolution and get help for Mum, and that's because no one can help her the way I can, and no one will love her the way I love her.
I haven't been able to take her to her hairdresser during the day because I have been sleeping for most of it, and when I did take her to get her nails done, it was close to their closing time and it was all a bit rushed. So there are no two ways about it: I can't do five nights on night shift.
I contacted my brother and asked for advice on what to do with the company because I was employed to do night shift, but it is my absolute urgent dream to switch to day shift. My brother told me to wait a little while before asking, so I am going to leave it at least a couple of weeks and then let my agency know that my caring responsibilities have changed and tell them I would ideally like to transition over to day shift.
The day shift varies. I think shifts start at around 7:00am and finish at about 3:00pm. The most important time for me to be here at home with Mum is night time. If I had to work every day of the week, it would be fine if I could do it during the day, but I want her to have company at night. Even though I can't cook, I can source food for her and just make sure she is okay.
She also said something this morning that bothered me. She said she had a bit of a fall in the shower yesterday morning. I asked her questions, like whether she had hit her head, which she said she hadn't, and she downplayed the seriousness of it. But still, it's an indicator that, first of all, I need to get one of those alert pendants for her, but also that I just want to be here as much as I can.
You're probably asking yourself: why work at all, then? Why not just stay at home and care for your mother full-time?
It is true that I haven't worked for eleven years and I have gotten by. I have a little bit of money, but the thing is, it's not much anymore. And I need to think about my future. Eleven years without working is a long time, and the longer I leave it, the harder it will be to get back into employment.
Now that I have this job, I am really counting my blessings because they are taking a chance on someone who has been out of work for all those years. I am always thinking of Mum, and I don't want to work, but I absolutely have to do this for me because, if I don't, down the track I could find myself in a very difficult situation.
I have missed being at work. I like the little extracurricular things some workplaces do, like celebrating your birthday and work anniversary, having social clubs, themed days and all of that sort of thing. The company looks to be big on that sort of thing, which I like.
Being out of the workforce for so long, I've forgotten all the little things, like chats with a team leader, being responsible for breaks and signing in. It's basic adulting, really. And the job that I am in is one of high responsibility, which is something I take very seriously.
The other occupational goal I have is to get a casual job at the Centre. I am going to try to do a couple of days there and a couple of days at the company, and have my nights completely devoted to Mum.
Working at the Centre is really my career goal, so if I had to choose between the call centre and the Centre, I would choose the Centre. But I am enjoying the call centre at the company, so hopefully I can make both work.
Something else which has been going really well for me is my police oaths project. I have received a whole stack of responses. I have 15 in total, which is the minimum number I was hoping for, and I think there are more to come.
It's really cool. Most of the responses have been letters with the oath, but a few have arrived with little objects as well. First, I received a small medallion from Europe, and now I've had another two come through with objects. One was from Peru, which included a USB with videos about the Peruvian police force. The latest was from the Czech Republic, which sent me an embroidered police patch. I am going to incorporate these objects into the project somehow.
I am so happy with the responses I've received for the police oaths, and I can't wait to put it all together, but there's a long way to go yet. I want to wait at least another six months for any stragglers, and then, once I'm satisfied I have a comprehensive collection, I'll send them off for binding.
I also sent out hundreds of letters about sausage rolls to countries of the former British Empire, but that has kind of fizzled out. I only have three responses, and it doesn't look like I will get many more. So, for the Attorney-General, I have another conceptual epistolary art project in mind.
Whenever I get a spare minute after work, or in between whatever else I'm doing, I'll watch an episode of Seinfeld. I've been into Seinfeld before, but now I'm invested. It is so funny. I literally laugh out loud.
I think I've mentioned before on this blog that, throughout my life, a few people have told me that Seinfeld reminds them of me. I think what they mean is that I tend to notice the little things in everyday life and find something interesting or amusing in them. Watching the show now, I can sort of see what they meant.
The other thing I love about Seinfeld is Kramer. I am in love with Kramer. I really am. If someone asked me to construct the perfect man, I think I'd give them Kramer. He's ridiculously tall, completely eccentric and very, very weird. I like that about him.
I rarely find men attractive anymore, but every now and then someone like Kramer gets my attention. And when I have the odd thought about him, I sometimes find myself wondering whether, deep down, there is some tiny part of me that still wants someone.
The answer is still no. I don't want a partner. But there is a small part of me that sometimes wonders what would happen if I met a man who made me feel the way I once felt about the judge, only this time he felt exactly the same way about me.
What would that actually be like?
So many people seem to experience it. They meet someone, fall in love and build a life together. Then again, I wonder how many people really experience that kind of love and how many simply find someone, settle down and become comfortable together.
And then there's the fact that I'm 45. Would I be settling for someone now, or should I consider myself lucky that someone was interested in such an old girl in the first place?
The truth is that I don't want to partner up. I can't imagine it. My life right now is devoted to my employment and, most importantly, my mother. There isn't a space sitting beside me that I'm desperately waiting for somebody to fill.
But I think I wonder about love because I've never actually experienced it. I've never been in love, and I've never had someone love me in that way. I don't know what it feels like to really and truly share your life with another person and know that they have chosen to share theirs with you.
Earlier in this post, I talked about having a job again and rediscovering all those little things that feel like basic adulting. But I'm 45 years old. There are women my age with adult children, and here I am wondering what it might feel like to fall in love for the first time.
Sometimes I wonder what that says about me.
Does it make me inadequate? Does it make me unworthy of being loved? Am I somehow developmentally delayed because I've reached this age without experiencing something that seems to be such an ordinary part of being human?
I don't think I know the answer.
Man aside, I am just so happy that I made it through the training, which was 8:00am–4:00pm, Monday to Friday, for an entire week. To everyone else, it probably would have been just another working week, but to me it was a real achievement.
It opened the door to my nighttime job, which, although I love, I have also discovered has come along at the wrong time. But somehow, I feel like it will all work out.
The company, the Centre, Mum, my police oaths and the single life. Somehow, it all seems to be coming together.
